Tag Archives: monogamy

There Will be Consequences

Friends,

This summer while working at a summer camp in Germany, I was having a conversation with my fellow counselors. I don’t remember what the exact conversational jump-off point was, but at some point while talking about sex, one counselor named Raph started off about how he didn’t like condoms.  He explained that he had tried them once and never used them again (Raph is married in his late 30s with two kids). It wasn’t just because they killed the feeling either; he seemed to be

philosophically against them as well, and while he couldn’t or didn’t articulate exactly and precisely his issue with them, something beneath his words struck a chord with me. And of course, seeing as the ladies in the group were a bit in shock from his unconventional views, I joined in the condemnation of prophylactics for the lulz, claiming with as much seriousness as I could muster that condoms were feminist tools of male subjugation and emasculation -(“All the tonic effects of getting a nice stiff one in you without having to sink to the level of intimate physical contact with a man”, etc.).

Me and Raph had a laugh and someone eventually changed the subject but an idea had been planted which I thought about subsequently. Trying to piece together the hidden wisdom in Raph’s words, the best I have been able to come up with thus far is that sex with condoms, if it is indeed objectionable, is so because it is frivolous.

Is frivolous sex a bad thing? Well, it’s certainly not the worst thing. Lord knows it’s fun…
But when it comes down to it, I’m tryng to do something.

My thoughts can be summed up in the film Rounders: Matt Damon’s ,Mike McDermott quotes poker great, Doyle Brunson: “Put a man to a decision for all his chips.”

When you discover her ‘tell’…

At face value this may not seem particularly relevant but I like the idea of not playing unless you’re playing all-in so to speak. I think when you apply that all-in mentality to sex it has the potential to make people take their couplings a little more seriously -or at least it fits well into an overall sex education which emphasizes something beyond the physical act and going through the motions.

Of course this isn’t to say that sex with a condom is simply going through the motions, but the stakes are definitely lower, and that can lead to all kinds of frivolity. Conversely, just because the stakes are raised doesn’t mean people will play more responsibly; our human history has been characterized by a lack of reliable contraception/general protection and that has been no guarantee of people taking it seriously. Countless bastard children and the spread of venereal disease are a testament to that.

Bearing in mind this human tendency to take stupid risks no matter how high the stakes, I am certainly not advocating for any kind of condom or birth control ban.

I googled ‘African Cardinal’ -I’m not even sure who this is but he looks like someone I would picture if we were to talk about banning contraception. 

Instead I would like to see a consciousness take root in men; one in which they are a little more intentional in their approach to women. An approach where they don’t think about getting laid, but rather one where their mentality when approaching women is: “I want to do something with her that has consequences.”

They should think it, but to ensure they mean it they should say it out loud, because it’s a lot harder to lie to yourself out loud. If they can’t say it truthfully for whatever reason (in love with someone else, don’t really wanna risk being a father, the chick in question is a toad-faced skank, etc…) then they probably got no business making romantical (sic.) overtures.

To bring this all to a neat dovetail, a wise man once said, “If you’re only doing it for the money, it’s probably not worth doing in the first place.”
I think its equally true to say, “If you’re only talking to her to fuck, she’s probably not worth talking to in the first place.”

Somehow, I think the ladies might approve of this message as well.

Best,
-Andre

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Naivete Part Deux

My Friends,
   Back in August 2011 I wrote a post detailing how I tend to foolishly believe people when they have awesome ideas for adventures and express their intentions to carry out out these ideas (“Naivete and the Lonely Road Called ‘Follow-Through’,” 28 August 2011).  Well, there’s another aspect to my credulity which I have noticed over the past few years but which came up again in the last few days.
   To explain it, let me first ask a question: What does it mean to have a girlfriend/woman/wife?  If you asked me, I would say it was someone to be close and intimate with; someone to be devoted to and have good times with. Most importantly, it is someone who is (ideally) your best friend.  Now if you asked me that same question while my woman was present I would probably say it was someone to tease, make fun of and pick on, but that’s just how I flirt.

‘Stop Hitting Yourself’ is a favourite game of ours 

What I wouldn’t say is that a girlfriend/woman/wife is someone to fuck around on or whose trust you should break as opportunities present themselves.  Yet I am surprised by how commonplace this idea seems to some.
   Now to qualify my line of reasoning here, I am no angel; I have made mistakes in the past, I have tried (often abortively) to play the part of the pimp and ladies man with girls I was seeing/dating, but through it all I always had the idea that once things became official, that was it.  I mean why bother even calling someone a girlfriend or boyfriend if you’re gonna sleep around?
   This has come up in the past at times when I was going out with some friends and someone made a comment about hooking up with some girl when I knew he had a girlfriend.  Yet by bringing up his relationship status in response to his claims I only got a perplexed look.  Similarly, when someone would allude to all the ass I could get on a given night and I was like “naw, I got a girlfriend,” a look of disappointment and confusion would come across their face.  Now maybe people only said those things to hype up the evening, but if that’s what it takes to get excited for a night out why bother?
   Strip clubs are a bit of troublesome issue because all girls seem to have different opinions of them.  Fortunately, my woman and I are both of a similar mindset: you can look but don’t touch.

Pictures of strippers neatly break up the monotony of a wall of text

Not being much of a strip-club fiend at all, I still find myself reluctantly dragged to such establishments at least once a year for birthdays, stags, or whatever and I find myself disappointed in my fellow man every time, especially at stags.

This entry would be all but unreadable without some photographic aids

Where did this idea of “last night as a free man” come from?  Yeah, she may not be your wife yet but that doesn’t mean she’s not your girlfriend or fiance.  Yet the prevailing idea seems to be to get the bachelor’s dick wet and have him make as many regrettable mistakes as possible in one night.

Photos: Because picturing what a stripper looks like in your mind is hard

Hopefully he drinks enough that he doesn’t remember anything and doesn’t have to carry the shame of betraying the woman he ostensibly loves for the rest of his life.  For the record, should I ever do something as stupid as decide to get married and any of my friends reading this want to take me out for a bachelor party, I am down to get shit-faced, hop on a plane to anywhere in the world, do any drug, get arrested and fight a dude, but please don’t try to buy me a lap-dance or a hooker.
   But like I said in the first paragraph, such naivete on my part came up recently.  Specifically, someone was shocked to learn that I didn’t sleep around during my four months going around the world.  Not shocked because its something they would have expected of me, but because it is something they would have expected of themself.  I tried to explain that seeing the world was what I wanted to do, not cheat on my woman but they insinuated that I was pussy-whipped if I didn’t get my dinky stinky.  Needless to say this irked me, and not just because it came from someone whom I had heretofore looked up to.
   The way I see it, remaining faithful is a very liberating thing.  If you remain faithful you can justifiably expect behaviour up to the same standard from your partner and not have to worry about them fucking around on you.  If you fuck around, you’re always gonna expect the worst of others because you know what to expect from yourself.  Who needs that headache?  Of all the hardships I dealt with during my time away, the last thing on my mind was my woman cheating on me.  Yet some guys were struck with my lack of concern, which I think is very telling about their behaviour when the cat’s away.
   That’s all I really gotta say on the matter.  A younger me often felt pressure that if I remained faithful in the context of a Dudes Night Out I would be judged negatively by friends, kind of like how an undercover cop has to get high with the criminals he’s infiltrating or else they’ll feel they can’t trust him.

Cause it’s 1-8-7 on a undercover monogamist!
Now, a little older, a little more confident, I couldn’t give two fucks about what people might think about my wick-wick-wiggity-wack choice to remain faithful.  
   But to be clear, I am not advocating monogamy/faithfulness per se, but rather honesty, with yourself and others.  If you’re on the fuck bitches, get money tip then you got no business tricking someone into a serious relationship.  Conversely, if you are all about monogamous relationships, but unhappy in the one you got, don’t hang around the titty-bar or the chat-rooms looking to make some mistakes.  Instead dump that bitch and find someone who truly makes you happy.
Last pic so I had to make it especially classy

Stay Thirsty,
-Andre Guantanamo

   

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