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Bard v. Death

Friends,

The following happened last night while playing Dungeons & Dragons with my peoples. Enjoy!

>Dnd 5e
>lv7 party
>been playing together for 8mos.
>Human female cleric, elf female wizard, human male rogue, and me, Guantanamo, a human male bard
>With shades of what might be called ‘Chaotic Spectacular’, Guantanamo is neutral good. How that plays out is when order is too stringent or too much talk and not enough action, he does chaotic (often ‘chaotic stupid’) shit for greatest possible good
>whuddupdrpeterson.jpg
>theoretically, when things get too chaotic he restores order for the same greatest good -I assure the team of this…
>Party are newly-minted members of Mages Guild
“The F-F-Fantastic Waterdeep Chapter!’
>A couple different quests we’re working on simultaneously
>Find ourselves in old dwarven caverns now occupied by evil
>Not really sure why we’re here -like I said many threads we’re investigating
>Also, Guantanamo is stoned. I know this because I’m stoned.
>Shimmy up tunnel to some small room with an altar, upon which the body of a somewhat rotted young man (kidney had been removed), with snake-shaped dagger sticking out of his chest, lies, set in front of some weird glowing relic/tabernacle
>Walk up to altar humming Bardic Inspiration to myself then whip off bandana to reveal sigil of BBEG I had earlier
P R E S T I D I G I T A T E D
onto my forehead
>Grab snake dagger (in meta retrospect, probably where trouble began), slice my palm so blood drips onto altar and yell out “OH EVIL ONE! I , YOUR SERVANT BRING YOU NEW SACRIFICES”
>nocharismacheck.jpg
>portal opens
>fgt floating mike wazowski appears
Literally summoned the Monster Manual’s cover model smh
>Go time! Tuck snake dagger in belt and draw silver arrow back in my longbow as I approach
>Vicious Mockery: “Yo She-Bitch! You got something in your eye!”
> Vicious mockery fails due to cone of magic. Dm tells me it fails so catastrophically that It hurts me emotionally and I am unable to fire arrows
>playinwitmyfeelins.jpg
>Rogue fires two silver arrows
>2nd sticks right into mike wazowki’s eye –he just laughs
>mike wazowski counter-attacks rogue with petrification but saving throw is made and rogue just gets a momentary muscle cramp
>cleric and wizard cast support spells on me and rogue
>Dm is heavily suggesting that we are no match for this thing and should bail, citing its ability to counter specifically
>on my next turn I
P R E S T I D I G I T A T E 
a flash of light for momentary distraction while we escape down shaft, drawing and aiming another silver arrow as I retreat, but not firing cause of counterattack ability.
NOTE: In handbook, P. Digitate is described as sensory effect, and is considered a parlor trick, so didn’t think I was risking counter-attack. DM agreed in this regard but at the same time didn’t even allow light to reach mike wazowski’s eyes because of magic cone
>dm moves to rogue next who plays his turn, moving toward escape, not attacking
>Dm is like ‘oh shit, I forgot to counter-attack Guantanamo’ and moves back to me and makes to counter-attack with one of small eyes
>this sort of quick, specific adjustment within reasonable amount of time is generally allowable in game for dm trying to manage a combat sequence
>”You see the eye moving to attack you”
>Dm allows me to let fly the arrow I had drawn and readied on my turn but have to roll at least 15 for a hit. Roll 9 but
+5atk with longbow and bardic insp I manage to hit below the socket and cause no real damage
>eye attacks
>need to roll 16 save to have the possibility of *only* taking 45 dmg (my total hp is 38)
>I roll 15 and get literally disintegrated
>Party is shocked
>A full minute passes with Rogue, out of character, repeatedly asking, “What just happened?”
>I sit there cross-legged in lotus position calmly pondering my new life after dnd or at least what new character I would like to play moving forward
>as the dm moves to the wizard she’s a little taken aback, like “right…so don’t attack…”
>thatsit.jpg
>turn To DM:
Me: I never attacked you initially, how did you move in for a counter-attack?
Dm: You did attack me though
Me: But only after you moved in for a counter-attack that I hadn’t provoked
>He felt that since I ultimately attacked it was a warranted counter (linear perception of time be damned!) On the other hand, my argument’s legitimacy hinged on him making an out of turn attack that I responded to, rather than delivering an overdue counter which I had brought upon myself
>we discuss at length, seemingly out of character but essentially in character as Bard v. Death
>for Guantanamo’s part, he’s politicking his ass off like a combination of Perry Mason, Clay Davis and Atticus Finch
​>”IF THE ARROW DON’T HIT, YOU CAN’T COUNTERATTACK SHEEEEEEEEEEEIIT”
>Rogue chimes in suggesting I cop a plea deal: “Well Guantanamo, maybe you have an ability that would allow you to survive”
>I stay in pocket, claiming that the focus is not me making a legal move to cheat death, but calling out an illegal/out of turn move that caused my premature disintegration
>point out that I had no issue with dying initially when it seemed fair (‘Transcending Physical Plane’ is literally written as Guantanamo’s over-arching goal on char sheet) -only had a problem when I felt mistake had been made
>at length, Dm grudgingly accedes, no doubt because of my masterful persuasion skills
>as a compromise, he essentially grants me the saving throw I missed, un-disintegrates me and, dealing 45 dmg instead, I end up at -7hp
>dm/Death states this is a one-time exception
>tilnexttimelol.jpg
>dm even has the courtesy to have my flatlining body fall into the hole we’re escaping through into the water below, rightly figuring that he would lose all the rest of his heroes trying to save me if he didn’t
>rogue picks me up and we boo boo
>cleric stabilizes then heals me when we’re back in waterdeep
>”Guys, I had the weirdest dream….”
>We go to mage’s guild for debrief
>Im excited that I escaped with badass snake dagger
>dm doesn’t appreciate my cavalier attitude toward being recently disintegrated and so I am destined to not get to enjoy the dagger
>mage’s guild elder won’t even touch it
>Dagger is analyzed. Its cursed. Basically minus1 to every possible action taken while carrying it (maybe why I didn’t make my saving throw)
>my one souvenir from disintegration is essentially dogshit; unlucky dogshit
>mages seal it in magic box and bury it
>other members begin whispering about me as the one who was crazy/foolish enough to carry the cursed dagger
>I smile because all bards are narcissists
>allattentionisgoodattention.jpg
>try to use my newfound notoriety to demand to speak with the recter, even leveraging my recent disintegration and citing how I talked my way (pretty much) into death’s pants
>end up overplaying my hand with runaway self-esteem and now nobody is talking about me any more
>fame is a harsh mistress
And that’s the story of how a stoned, redneck, yogi bard beat Death on a technicality
Best,
-Andre
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