Tag Archives: don draper

So Many Identities…

My Friends,
   Right off the bat I gotta say that leading a double-life is hard.  You might recall in a previous post (“Identity Crisis,” 21 march 2012) I discussed creating a new online identity using my actual name for the purposes of job-huntery.  The plan was not only to eschew all excesses of jackfoolery tomassery I indulge in as my rad internet self, Andre Guantanamo, but also to go to the opposite extreme and present myself to potential employers a ruthless, power-hungry opportunist all-too-ready to sell his own grandmother into prostitution for capital gain.  But alas, this endeavour proved to be too daunting; when I finally got around to making the actual profile (under my real name) I couldn’t bring myself to portray myself as the huge douche that the idea would have called for.  It is my name I would be besmirching after all…
   Then I had to add a bunch of people who were already friends with me on my original profile and they kept remarking about my “new profile” and “alter ego” on my wall.  If an employer saw this they would know something was amiss.
   Finally, I had to create a new email address for the account.  I then decided I wanted to standardize both FB accounts with gmail addresses instead of hotmail addresses cause “g” sounded slightly more professional than “hot,” so I created another gmail address for “Andre Guantanamo.”
   But since I mostly check my email on my phone during the day and its a pain in the ass to switch between two gmail accounts or two hotmail accounts I decided that one of my gmail accounts and one of my hotmail accounts would forward to a second hotmail account under my actual name which would allow me to rapidly check all my mail from my phone without re-entering passwords.
   As you can imagine I am rapidly losing track of which account is forwarding to which and which account I should be giving out as my “primary personal,” “primary business,” “secondary personal” and “secondary business.”
   This whole experience has taught me that leading a double-life is not for the faint of heart.  I have heard that a prudent man should set up a completely separate identity (email, name, business card, etc…) if he wants to successfully be adulterous.  I can’t see any vagina being worth the frustration of it all.
   Ironically, Ayn Rand, whom I had meant to quote extensively in my douchebag professional profile, had an interesting opinion on lies.  Her view was that lying is self-abdication; as soon as you lie you become the slave of the person you lied to.  All your efforts go toward maintaining the deception you have wrought.  I am feeling it now.  Its so tiresome having 2 lives.

   So instead I will have 1.5.  Let me explain: it occurred to me that while an employer may do a google search for my real name, they wouldn’t find Andre Guantanamo, I have seen to that.  However, what they do find does not have to be a Facebook profile.  Instead, I have been crafting a Linked-In profile.  Linked-In is optimized for business anyhow and its different enough from Facebook that it doesn’t constitute a double existence (its weird when FB suggests that you add your other profile as a friend because of all the friends you have in common).
   One sticking point is Twitter.  Andre Guantanamo does have a twitter account (@dreguan … follow me and I will show you truth you won’t be able to unsee) but my real self should also have a twitter account linked to my Linked-In account.  Due to twitter being much less encompassing of all aspects of a user’s life, I think this is a dual existence I can endure.
   And so ends the tale of what was to be the ultimate FB troll account.  I will close it in the next few days and if Facebook’s separation anxiety regarding closing accounts is as bad as I have heard (basically, you can never leave) I may have something else to write about in the next few days.
Stay Thirsty,
-Andre Guantanamo


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To Health…

My Friends,
   I have recently been watching a lot of the show Mad Men.  One of the things even a cursory viewing of the show will make clear is that ad men in the 1950s/60s liked them some liquor & tobacco.  I have to confess that all of the vices indulged in on the show make me want to pick up a glass of whiskey and my pipe and drink & smoke along with the characters.  The drinking is not so much of a problem (well it is for me cause I don’t have any liquor on-hand) but the smoking is; I have a pipe but if I want to smoke I must go outside.  I have to admit I am feeling nostalgic for a time before I was born when people could light up with impunity.  Now I have to worry about no-smoking regulations in public places, and the sensitive noses of my house-mates and my woman if I am at home.  Sure I could always go smoke outside, but its still winter out there and I’m not just looking to have a quick puff so I can get a nicotine fix.  Rather I am looking to puff my favourite tobacco blend (its called “Mark Twain” and its the shyyyit) and sip my new favourite rye (40 Creek) all while watch one of my new favourite shows.
   Unfortunately society has predictably gone from one retarded extreme to another.  We went from the days of excess (smoking permitted in hospitals) to the days of equal yet opposite excess (smoking banned even in bars and certain outdoor locations).  Why can’t we just collectively not be so fucking retarded and simply legislate in moderation?  The anti-tobacco lobby, which started as a health crusader, has now become an overbearing perversion of its original self, infringing on people’s freedoms to enjoy tobacco.  Everyone knows at this point that cigarettes are addictive and bad for your health, but its not like every smoker is a chain-smoking case of emphysema waiting to happen.  Some people (like me) just want to light up their pipe or cigar or every few weeks with a glass of something aged 12 years, and enjoy how the two flavours complement each other.  This is a simple, yet enriching experience which I believe few, if any in the anti-tobacco lobby have revelled in.
   As far as I’m concerned, we have gone too far and have marginalized a good portion of the population.  By demonizing their enjoyable pastime we have demonized them.  I don’t like it one bit.  Now if you’ll excuse I’m gonna go find something to smoke and drink.
Stay Thirsty,
-Andre Guantanamo


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