Tag Archives: brother

I Less Than Three Gin

My Friends,
   Last night I headed up to my older brother Alex’s place in Orangeville for my first visit since returning home.  It was to be a relatively quiet evening, more of a double-date night with our respective girlfriends, but his girlfriend Krystal had gone and sprung for a bus ticket to bring my younger brother Adam home from Montreal, and with the three of us reunited the chances of the evening being quiet diminished.  While waiting for Alex to get home from work, Adam and I decided that it had been entirely too long since we had had martinis.  Furthermore, in spite of being a prodigious, young alcoholic due to university life, Adam had never tried Tanqueray Gin…

My personal favourite brand

…or even a Gin Martini.  These were two oversights I -nay, “we” had to rectify.  We stepped out to procure the required spirit.  Like a good enabler, Alex already had vermouth and olives on hand.
   We returned from our foray, crushed some take-out Chinese and set about finishing the 40oz we had bought.  It had been a good year since I’d had a martini but I found my skill in making them hadn’t diminished.  That is to say we got smokin’ loaded.  Well, maybe not that bad, but I did at one point strip off my shirt and wrestle the dog.

Pictured here when she was a lot easier to wrestle into submission

At some point after I gained new tooth & claw marks all over my body, the girls decided that they weren’t tryin’ to have this nonsense and went to bed.  We moved boldly forward committed to our cause.  All of us being together we finally took the time to try out the nargile/hookah which my father and I had picked up in Istanbul.  It was a good smoke and as we sat in the frigid garage shooting the shit I reminisced fondly about Turkey and all the time I had spent in opium dens hookah lounges.  
   At some point between the smoking and going to bed I got onto facebook and noticed this picture I had recently been tagged in:
My sixth grade class photo (I’m in the back wearing a dark vest and sweater and a shell necklace with a shark’s tooth on it because that was cool back then apparently).  Seeing this photo had taken me back when I was sober but in the sloppy state I was now in I got a little click-happy and began adding all of the former classmates who had been tagged in the picture and who were (through some egregious oversight) not currently on my friends list.
   Upon awakening this morning I had an inkling that I might have perpetrated this irresponsible facebookery but it was all a blur.  However, when I later checked my email my suspicions were confirmed by two notifications for accepted friend requests.  So thanks Grant & Ashlee; apparently you two saw nothing off-putting about an elementary-school classmate drunkenly reaching out to you after midnight.  And really, that’s how it should be.
   Overall, a good night.  Didn’t finish the bottle but caught up with my brothers, had some good laughs and made some new(old) friends.  
Stay Thirsty,
-Andre Guantanamo 

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Shutting "Bro" Down

My Friends,
   Today my brother messaged me on FB and referred to me as Brosario Dawson.

Not for nothin’, but I don’t look nearly that good in panties
I felt bad for him when I read this because he has referred to me by this name before and it occurred to me that he might be running out of new ideas for nicknames derived from the word “bro.”  So, to help my bro out, I spent the better part of a trip to Lime Ridge Mall today brainstorming new bro puns while my woman shopped.  Without further ado, The Definitive List of Bro Puns.

Brosario Dawson
Broseph Stalin
Broseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Frozen Brogurt/Brozen Yogurt
Brometheus Bound
Han Brolo
Bromeo & Juliet
Indiana Brones 
The Bro-End Theory

Bronly the Lonely
Brotissimus Dorsi (it controls your fist bump flexors)
Chuck Broris (meme [br]overkill alert!!)
Bro-back Mountain (lame I know)
…shrimp gumbro…

Brorange Julius
Broakley Eyewear
La Vie en Brose (my woman made that one up)
Unterseebrooten/Das Broot
The Notorious Bro.I.G.
Broagie Sandwich
Brocal Chords
*THIS JUST IN* He just texted me and called me “Bro Pesci”
Brosama bin Laden
Barack Brobama
Bromez Addams

Brocestershire Sauce
Bromer Simpson
Pierce Bro-snan
Doc Bro-lliday
The Land Brofore Time V: The Brosterious Island
Binomial Bromenclature
Bay City Brollers
Brohio Players
Chef Broyardee
Brosie O’Donnell:
 “She wears underwear with dickholes in ’em”
Bro Namath/Montana/Mantegna
Bro Way, Jose
Bromar Little
Brogi Bear
Broga Flame

Abro Kadabra
Bronan the Barbarian
Braute Couture
Carbros the Jackal
Brovarian Motor Verks/Works (BMW)
Broservoir Dogs
Inglourious Brosterds
Keyser Broze
Brone Thugz n’ Harmony
Erin Bro-ckovich
Super Saiyan Broku:

His power level …. IT’S BROVER 9000!!

Brogadier General
Supreme Allied Brommander
The Neverending-Ending Brory
Broviet Union:
Iron Bro-fist

Brodeo Drive
Broman Numerals….
K, I think that’s it for the time being.  I will update this list if I need to but there should be enough there to get anyone by for a while.
Stay Thirsty
-Andre Guantanabro
P.S. Finished The Wire.  Sick show; go watch it.

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