Category Archives: Uncategorized

Is Putin About to Die?

The terror of the east. Shirtless-horseback-man.

This image is to show Putin as his most virile as a juxtaposition as we are talking about his declining health.

I’m listening to Peter Zeihan on Joe Rogan. He’s got some prescient observations about the state of the world. It’s dark and scary.

Although, if you can wrap your mind about the idea of an inevitable mass culling /war, things will be great after we come out on the other side.

Among Mr. Zeihan’s observations and prognostications, he discusses Russia going to war in order to die on its own terms.
Basically, Russia has only got until the 2070s as he asserts, and their competent, young population has mostly sought life elsewhere on account of the establishment’s oppressive, top-down approach to leadership. Then, as you move up in age from that young, population (the less competent cohort presumably fighting/dying in Ukraine) there is a demographic shortfall of middle-aged Russian, before the population swells again in the pensioner demographic.

CHINA

Zeihan has a dim view of the Xi administration also. Apparently noone wants to tell Xi Jinping bad news. Also, in spite of a “bottomless well’ of stolen IP, China apparently hasn’t advanced much technologically in the last two decades.* Also, 90% of the calories China consumes have at least one imported input. Not good.

Similarly, China imports huge amounts of energy. It’s not a good time not to be self-sufficient

Mexico

Geopolitically, Mexico is doing okay. Happy Mexican in a sombrero symbolizes this.

…apparently has twice the skill of the relatively stagnant (vis a vis skill-building) Chinese workforce, and also costs 1/3. Also, Mexico is very integrated with the US economically.

Why it’s working for the US

According to Zeihan, any country blessed demographically and geographically (USA, France, Turkey, Argentina) is in a good position to make it to 2030 and beyond.

Geo-Politics in General

The last time I paid this much attention to geo-politics was during a more Marxist time in my life, and it was all doom & gloom. Also, I lived in Canada, and although I wasn’t aware of it at the time, my life in Canada was a dead-end. I don’t feel like life is a dead-end here in the US, and again—demographically and geographically—the US seems in a better position to fare well than perhaps anywhere else on the planet.

The absolute optimal placement of the USA in the world along these lines, and the fact that I live here, makes me a lot more optimistic as I begin really paying attention to the world again. RealLifeLore has a great Youtube channel which I’ve also been using to get brought up to speed about regional conflicts, energy concerns, food concerns, and the respective survivability of the various nation-states. Things are going to happen over the next decade and affiliation and mobility will be the key to survival.
—more on that another time.

Personally, I am scared, but at the same time I’ve never felt so alive.

America has to Find Itself

If every nation in the world can be anthropomorphized, I would view the United Staes as a brash, young man. Big Dick Energy all the time. Nonetheless, the passage of time reliably wears people and entities down. In Fight Club, Tyler Durden even says, “On a long enough timeline, the survival rate of everything drops to zero,” and while I see the truth in that statement, there’a more to the story of survival. So ‘something, something, something, American exceptionalism‘— maybe America doesn’t get worn down, or let itself get worn down. Maybe it stays sharp and communicates and cooperates more sophisticatedly with its peers, forming more reciprocal relationships and harmonizing, while at the same time never losing the ability and willingness to rain death from above on evildoers. I like that for America. I like that for me.

Stay sharp. Maintain that edge. It’s the only way to protect yourself and the people you care about.

America, the young man will go on a vision quest over the next 10-20 years. It will isolate itself from a lot of countries. It will strengthen its relationships with others—although that won’t necessarily be a smooth or linear process. Perched here in the centre-sweet-spot of the North American continent—we will see suffering all around us. Our garden, walled by Canada, Mexico and two oceans, will be isolated from much of the suffering of the rest of the world—we will not survive unscathed though. Within the walls of our safe garden, snakes and others will spring up and threaten us from within. Our waters will turn brackish and stagnant too if we do not circulate them with those of the outside world—that same outside world which we can always reasonably expect to corrupt and poison us as we draw new vigor from it.

It’s a complicated relationship, wherein we tongue kiss each other with our hands wrapped around each other’s necks.

Once it gets to the other side, America will be so robust in 360 degrees C U B E D S P H E R E D!

Strength—kind, compassionate, upward-oriented strength—radiating in all directions, on all axes, and to all potential allies.

“Even though y’all hate, I love y’all mafuccas/
Friend or foe—y’all all my mafuccas!”
-Jay-Z, Hola Hovito

Love in all directions.

“Sweet King, Martin, sweet Queen Coretta,
Sweet Brother Malcolm, sweet Sister Betty …
—We made it in America!
-Frank Ocean, Made in America

I’ve vision-quested myself in my 20s and 30s. Perhaps I can be one of the more measured energies in the psyche of this great nation over the next two decades. I know what my country can do for me—but I am willing and able to give it a positive ROI.

Best,
-Dre

*It is important to mention China’s pervasive presence in American infrastructure (power cables, systems requiring updates, etc)

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Day 4 Home?…

*written December 21/2022*

I don’t know. Maybe Day 5 depending on whether you’re counting from the day I got home or my first full day back. My jaw is wired shut and I’m still eating through a straw. My wife did me a solid and picked up a bunch of frozen fruit, protein and other items which I have been nourishing myself with, and today I even blended some chicken tendies from Safeway. Is life good? I think so. Always, I suppose.

I’ve been pretty agreeable since I’ve been injured—a wired jaw will really make you argue a lot less. And with my mouth mostly out of commission, it’s difficult for my wife to accuse me of starting shit. Not impossible, mind you, but I have a lot more plausible deniability when I speak minimally.

The benefit, of that deniability is that it puts her on the spot when shit has gone awry. She has to look at herself and ask herself how the argument started, or what she’s mad about, etc. I think it’s accurate to say that we are all mirrors for each other on some level, but within the context of our marriage, this is the most mirror-like I have been. Looking at someone silently while they yell at you is—at least in theory—a great way to communicate without communicating that they are the problem.

*continued December 26/2022*

Of course, anyone who’s been married knows that being right will not save you—not in the short-term at least. I know that to maintain my soul over the medium/long-term I have to stay aligned with truth. Furthermore, I know that by aligning myself with truth I am agreeing in advance to a lot of arguments and posturing indignation from my better half. So be it.

It’s a new day. We made it through/past Christmas. There was some arguing but I don’t feel as if I provoked—I feel as if I recognized problems in advance and removed those bullets from the chamber before they went off dangerously (often to the chagrin of my wife who was sore that her bristling fur was observed when she maintained she was calm), and otherwise only spoke up to defend myself and/or clarify my position.

The problem with me is that I’m always right; and that’s no easy for a lot of people to deal with. Least of all for a spouse.

Best,
-Dre

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What a Time to be Alive

Friends,

This Kanye West situation has me intrigued. The last few weeks he has been a Man on Fire and I am hoping that he survives this run. Today I had some time and watched his recent appearance on Infowars. It was surreal.

It’s also funny, as Ye is quite charming and on the ball, seizing the opportunities to make well-timed jokes in between the message he’s putting out.

And ballsy. In case you’re missing context, he pulled out a net (pictured above) and a bottle of Yoo-Hoo and started doing ventriloquism of Benjamin Netanyahu (net + yoo-hoo), openly mocking the Israeli statesman after acknowledging at the outset that Netanyahu was known for having people killed.

And of course the mask gives off ISIS/PLO vibes, making it seem like the news has been taken over by terrorists. Several times as I was watching, reality felt slippery. I couldn’t believe this rock star and (arguably) most famous person on the planet was going on the attack against killers.

Another thing I noticed in this video is that Ye talks more about Zionists than Jews. I think this is for the best because Zionism is a choice as opposed to Judaism which people are born into. And while not all Zionists are bad, the Zionism movement has unarguably created a lot of misery and loss of life in the Middle East.

Also attending the interview was Nick Fuentes (23), an alleged white supremacist who was there as support for Ye. I didn’t know Fuentes before the Trump dinner at Mar-a-Lago, but I don’t see the white supremacy. I’m fairly impressed by how grounded the young man is, and so is Ye, as throughout the interview he keeps referring back to Fuentes to explain factually the topics he brings up during his enlightened stream-of-consciousness.

**************************************

Some years before his death, the late, great Patrice O’Neal gave his perspective on Tracy Morgan’s situation after getting in trouble with GLAAD and his “great benefactor”, Tina Fey for making wild, homophobic statements during a comedy show.

Some of Patrice’s comments:

“Look, you know I don’t fall for no banana in no tailpipe….Anybody that says it, I believe the opposite; I try to make the opposite opinion right away.” (direct quote)

“There’s no lone gunslingers in Hollywood. You gotta be affiliated. It’s like jail. Someone will ask you who you roll with. If you say ‘Noone; I’m just gonna read and do my time,” then he’ll say, “Okay, well I’m gonna rape you cause you ain’t really got no one lookin’ out for you.” (paraphrased)

“You gotta be part of a cartel…but I deal with mid to low level Jews, because they dont want you to be part of their group. They deal in money. A lot of people expect me to have a revolutionary position and I would disappoint a lot of people if I had to flop around on my belly. I don’t wanna owe that much!” (paraphrased)

“The entertainment industry is the beast and it chews you up and shits you out, and as soon as you get shit out you’re allowed to get back in line to get in its mouth. And there’s always a line up because when you’re in the belly of the beast you’re making $2 Million/week.” (paraphrased)

“That’s why you gotta respect guys like Charlie Sheen who took a stand against the beast—gave the beast indigestion. Or Mel Gibson—shit Mel Gibson was so big he coulda been the beast. And so when he walks away from that you gotta give respect.” (paraphrased)

All soundbites available here.

***************************************

Patrice is well aware that every celebrity (black or otherwise) is one bad quote away from being on the outs with the establishment or one of its numerous cartels. And, were he alive today, I would be keenly interested to hear his thoughts on Kanye’s stand/the ‘indigestion’ he’s been giving the beast.

“People need to put it all on the line and tell the truth.” -Nick Fuentes

In recent years, the Clown World meme has become popular as a criticism the many inversions we have been told to accept over the last few years. And just as there is something performative in the deceptions we are attacked with, Clown World itself is performative in its satire of the absurdities which come as a logical social consequence of governmental approval-‘maxing’ as a smokescreen for governmental chicanery. This interview is a Clown World art exhibit, or even a Clown World cultural artefact—it feels significant (to me), even if we take it personally when he tap-dances upon our most thoroughly conditioned cultural ideas.

I feel braver with Kanye out there saying what he wants. I feel like not only ‘can I’ say what I want, but I have to say what I want. I mean, I immigrated here to the US from Canada for a lot of reasons, but not least of those was 1A.

**************************************************

For all you gamblers out there, here are my predictions:

-To begin with, there will be quiet for a while and things will return to normal-ish
-people will still be mad going into 2023, but he’ll drop the most undeniably fire album on Jan 1
-it’ll be R. Kelly’s, ‘Chocolate Factory x1000′, in its power to make people disregard the scandal entirely
-Ye will become ordained as a priest
-Ye will win GOP nomination with Trump as running mate (ok by constitution; not permitted by Catholic canon if priest…w/e tho)
-will win presidency
-hilarity will ensue
-he will live long enough to see himself become a villain

Best,
-Dre

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We Update!

*much of the text is incorporated dialogue from Dave Chappelle’s 12 NOV 2022 SNL monologue, and Kanye West’s 24 OCT 2022 interview with Lex Fridman*

We still alive. We still out here. Thank-you, Mario but our princess is in another castle.
I love her because she lets me put a lunger in her ass—She’s definitely my favorite of all-time. She’s a mix of Rob & Kris—“Damn, I like this DNA!”

My DNA is on point. Me and my dad have a water purification plant in the DR.
(My dad got girls too!)
I found my dad’s Playboy when I was five.—That’s how people are made.
I want girl’s to like me like they like Pharrell.

I’m drawing these new living cells that we exist in….. This is a drawing.
Restore the tower of ‘Basil’.

What’s the motivation?

The promised land is family—that is heaven on Earth.
Say I smite the rock and God doesn’t let me into paradise.
My mission is still to promote families.

You’re actually gonna make more money by making better food.
In America we are making people sick.
Is SUGAR bad? Sugar Ray. Sugar Shane. Sugarman. Candyman. Sweet like FIRE!!
—We don’t care what people say!

Don’t be afraid to state your facts because the world is running a fear program.
—Fear doesn’t run the world—God does!

If you have a truth, shout it out like Tourette’s. Say it non-violently, but say it right away!
“THEY” gets the blame for anything/everything.

I to WE and THEY to US
—let’s all be accountabili-buddies

I am open-sourcing this idea so anointed beings can collectively contribute to this.

Constant flow, no water wasting. Toilet close to wave pool (not a wave pool, but the water isn’t still).
People lean in to what they are used to seeing—same old buildings

Everyone wants to be attractive to the attractive.

It’s difficult to make me unhappy.

You really need to scream at yourself when you allow people to be in your lives who you know shouldn’t be there and who act and behave how you knew they would.

Ye hates robots. Robots have feelings too. <—-both statements are jokes.
—DO IT FOR THE HUMAN RACE!!
Robots can be good as long as the people making the robots are good.
—In Nazi Germany, technology was used for evil.

Planned Parenthood is the black Holocaust Museum?
—The most dangerous place for a black person in America is in their mother’s stomach.

Kyrie’ Irving’s black ass was nowhere near the holocaust—in fact, he’s not even certain it existed.
—a fair punishment would be he post a link to Schindler’s List and y’all write your own captions.

Soros would use black trauma economy (BTE) to win election.
What is the BTE?
-Bambi’s mom dying at the end
-Jews have holocaust movies and blacks have slavery movies

Rappers talk about “we were kings” which is INCORRECT if WE (black people) are Jew (as opposed to Jew-ish)
-WE are the people that Moses freed.
There’s so much wisdom to draw from history—but we should forget it
Do we need to remember history? I hope so because I have a history degree

Should I release that pain and separate it? Then you release yours and separate it.
-He’s off his shit/meds/rocker—It’s a scarlet letter

They put me as the prophet, not the leader
Islam is prophet—the only person that would say this
Christianity is messiah
Judaism is covenant

The ‘black man’/Moor represents Islam/Ishmael
-“Father, I love you. Still, you’re out of line.”

Get on your knees AND KISS MY DICK!!
-Where’s our apology? We ca’t get there because theres no right way to word it?
Friends who never learned to make shoes with a German company tryna tell me not to wear this hat or shirt

I’m back here as a being with engineering opportunities before me

I’m not asking for anyone to sympathize with someone who can make $11B, make money appear out of thin air in five different industries, married to Kim Karadashian….like noone’s gonna feel my pain.

What’s the apology you’re looking for as a Jewish engineer LEX

I walked away from that situation; I went to Japan like the samurai that I am.

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“What Obama Started”

*Written over three or four days*

“It all started with Obama” Jox thought to himself. “Obama, Trump, and Biden

Gay immigrants have infiltrated congress

*Asking questions vs Making judgments*

Sauntering staunchily

Normative like Norman Bates with the formative traits of premature birth that was four minutes late

If you walk around with a glow on your skin these people will hate you. They’re demons. They’ll claw at you.
-(He’s still talking)

Obama was a combo breaker with regard to skin color and ancestry. Some claimed illegitimacy based on birthplace..
—Legitimacy of presidency diminished among some groups

Trump was so polarizing that half the country voiced support of his ouster
—Legitimacy of presidency diminished among effectively half of population

Biden seems mentally compromised; Biden ‘supporters’ are ‘never Trump again’ de facto supporters, and the cynical Machiavellians who have no problem with a warm body being kept ambulant/speaking via chemistry so long as their agenda is pushed
—Legitimacy of presidency diminished among large swathes of the population totalling perhaps more than half

A prism refracts reality into observable fragments of which each, if pursued, into roads unto themselves. Each fragment of reality is a fractal of reality and the fractals are like in kind and different in degree. In this was they are the same—as fractals need to be as reflection of each order of magnitude in both directions—but also different, as each fractal, mulitversal, fragment is actually a petrie dish with a culture on a spiralling ascent or descent.

STOP!!

Wild elephants on HWheel (sic) of Fortune

I felt big sad today. And lonely. Missed my wife.

Angry when she home; Sad when she gone type thing.

How am I going to survive the winter? Well, I think. I’m going to shop responsibly and cook a lot, but fat will have to be trimmed as well. I am going to have subscriptions to gym and maybe coworking space DT. Life can be good, but I’ll have to be bold.

GO!!

We click out of reality twice every oscillation. In those clicks we actually move to a fragment, or rather the next moment in the fragment we were looking at. However, the fragment we are looking at is determined moment to moment, limited by the speed of one’s perception and cognition.

The frequency of snakes en route to our goal, as well as the severity of snakes makes them dangerous.

The ladders make us feel so good and so always feel well deserved.

-Dre

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I’m Still Designer

…and SHIT!

I’ve been watching Cesar Milan: Better Humans Better Doggos the lqst few days. I have never watched his previous hsows but the TSST episode of South Park is one of my favourite and I always thought the principles used to correct Cartman’s behaviour were sound with regard to my incompletre knoweldge of fields like social dynamocs, psychology and anthropology.

This show is great. Everything is our fault as dog owners. Lately my pit Diesel has been barking when I return home. He loves me and eagerly charges into our adventures together, but I think I might have scared him a little bit over the last few months of knowing him (two week long visits before moving here full time this month). I took his mom and he’s seen some violence in a past life.

Arguments with Vallerie have undermined corrective moments, but I think she’s starting to see that letting me go will to will with the dog for certain small things up front will mitigate the need for drastic interventions later. She’s seeing that and that’s good. I think I believe that we can survive any hell so long as we can see improvement over time.

My home here in the desert of Phoenix is a lush and verdant oasis—it’s adjacent to a lush and verdant oasis at least. The city is so inhospitable that shaded greenspaces/parks are so much more appreciated.

Guitar playing is going well. I get out a lot in the heat and play. I stick to the shade but I see myself getting very comfortable playing in the sun. I think I gotta start dressing like an Arab—light, blowy linens.

Cesar just finished helping a family of women who had survived domestic abuse and who had no control over the many dogs. They learned courage and that trickles down to the dogs.

This is my pitbull, Diesel camoflaged on the couch with his puppy dog eyes

Trickle-down sounds good. I like it phonetically. I picture a crisp clear mountain stream that I can drink plentifully from. And maybe that’s why trickle down economics didnt’ work like ppeople might have been led to think it would: if there is a stream you still have to get up, and get out and get after it. Entertain rich people. Dance for them. Debase and humiliate yourself for them and you access that stream.

Psych

Everybody’s fucking dying, but I can live. I can make it if I try. I can get through the wire like Jor-el launching Kanye in a pod from Krypton (“Farewell, my son…”)

“Here’s your one chance Fancy don’t let me down”

My wife is having adult career frerustrations and I feel woefully inept to help. It doesn’t help that I’ve been using cannabis products because I tend to look to expansively ad holistically at acute problems. Not that I’m wrong, but not necessarily what someone want to hear when they are venting; not simply a solution, byt a solution which would also require them to look in ward—especially from their musician/blogger husband.

This is me showing an example of how unqualified I am to give advice.

Stay thirsty,

-Dre

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Reagan was a space astronaut

19 June 2022

We peein our pants yet?

How many times I been fired? Lots.
How much am I enjoying my life? Lots.

She got so low she sucked a earthworm’s dick

Ain’t found a way to kill me yet. So sleepy.
Only in America. Wonderful. An epiphanous experience of pure religiosity.
If respect is not given freely, it must be exacted.

Just gonna leave they got plenty of other girls. GO FILL THE BRITA, TONY!!

Travis Bickle is an incel who hates on Sport because Sport is a pimp. Square men hate pimps. FACTS!

Come to the commune with me. I lived in a commune once…twice maybe.
I don’t like hippies. I AM a hippie. What does this mean?

I feel disgust and shame when Ithink about the old days. The formative days. Most Iproved motherfuckers in any domain must look back on their beginnings with disdain.

Must…musthe. Like bull elephants.

Lighthouses used to use Fresnel lenses

Tight lens, bro

Ambergris comes from whale guts. And it smells tasty.
Incidentally, Moby Dick is not a British whaling novel but an American whaling novel. If you are curious about out-of-date marine zoological information then you should read it.

There are some things you find on wikipedia that surprise you. Take a deep dive. But don’t worry: if you get lost all roads lead back to Hitler.

18 June 2022

Nancy Reagan in fancy pantsuit.
El Contador. They call me ‘mujeres’ in Nicaragua

Space Cowboy Bebop & Rocksteady on the right

17 June 2022

Nancy ReAGAN IS THE THROAT GOAT . I HAVE HEARD THIS NOW MORE THAN NOCE. I HAVE SUGGESTED IT TO PEOPLE EVEN . Coversationally

J\gga jigga that nigga jigg

THE idea of the yuuzhon vong scares me more than the idea of the galactic empire because its symbolic to me of there always being a greater evil to vanquich even after yopu ‘ve vanquished the ultimate evil.And he will fuck you up in ways you cant even imagine.

Head hing in regret and.

regret and?…

crrrrtivity

I named this chipmunk

Chip$$y Hußel

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The Dervish: Overlay Lore 26 DEC 2020

Salta opened his eyelids after a deep slumber and surveyed the expanse of water before him and all around him.

He stared into the distance, seeing infinitely far with no especial effort, but then allowed his focus to relax and settle on the immediate -albeit, vast- expanse of water he stood in.

He saw ships all ‘around’ him -ragged things mostly; junkers, pirate vessels, smugglers and derelict cargo ships waiting to be commandeered and plundered. Spatially, they ranged from a dozen to several hundred kilometres away from him, but that mattered little because he didn’t exactly live in the spatial realm. Good thing too, because with his immense proportions he would certainly collapse under his own 3D spatial weight.

3D was a term he’d picked up over time from intercepting and processing every electro-magnetic (another term he’d picked up) transmission made by the 3D species on this planet (yet another term). He didn’t know what ‘D’ the humans would classify him as -if they could even conceive of a being such as he- but he was sure it was some D level that was supra-ordinate to their 3D.

So why did he envy them?

Because they hadn’t matured? Maybe.

Had he matured? He suspected he had.

In fact, he had a feeling that he had once been one of these little 3D creatures -one of these humans- but at some point the cone narrowed into a quickening spiral like a whirlpool only to an infinitesimally small threshold before beginning to grow and expand outward toward infinity in a widening spiral like a… like a….

“…reverse whirlpo-” he muttered low and slowly before catching and silencing himself. It was too late: the echo of his whispered words had caused violent upheaval in the waters before him and a large cascading impulse of water cascaded forward. He knew better than to try and stop it -if he but could with both hands meaningfully and eternally occupied. No, the best he could do would be to try and upset the wave by kicking it but that “remedy” would only cause more upset to the waters and perhaps an extinction-level-event.

So he watched the wave -the tsunami– go forth toward the central portion of the Lemurian archipelago some thousand kilometres away before turning his attention to his breath; keeping it regular but not too violent.

How long had he been here? 

For all of time by the chronology of the 3Ds. For him it had been a moment and an eternity. He remembered the quickening of the whirlpool that had abruptly ended the thing that came before this eternal existence. Had that previous thing also been an eternity? Was such a thing possible?

The memory of that previous eternity was dark, which was a stark contrast to his clear recall of everything that had happened, ever in this eternity.

No, it wasn’t ‘dark’; it was light. Thinking back as best he could to that last eternity, his only memories where vague and implicit: accelerating upward, pain, ostracism, and then a bright, all-white consuming light before he woke up here with one purpose. That purpose, holding two things together. He knew this; and his muscles felt the strain of it every day, but he didn’t exactly know what those two things were.

Still he felt it was important enough to keep doing.

He looked east to the rising sun over the seemingly endless expanse of water, and realized that it was the beginning of the human ‘day’ in this part of the world. He had a little game he played which he felt helped him understand the humans better: He would stare at the sun and meditate on it as it moved around the Earth over 24 of their ‘hours’. The 24 hour period was important to their physiology and understanding of the world, and so he reckoned that he might gain some perspective about them -and mayhaps his own previous eternity- if he could really hone in on that 24 hour period and experience every instant of it.

Easing into his silent, still meditation, he made an-ever so careful adjustment of his arm so as not to disturb the planet more than he had to, and during this gentle application of effort his eyes closed for but a moment. 

When they opened the sun was setting on this day. Or perhaps the next one. Or perhaps one further down their chronologically linear 3D road in a distant future time. Salta didn’t know, but all he could do was remain silent, keep breathing gently and resume paying attention.

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The Dervish: Chapter 2

Joe landed with a thud against the asphalt of the damp alley. His outstretched palms and right knee had taken most of the impact but his left cheek had still hit the with ground with enough force to later bruise and abrase it. He slowly relaxed his clenched eyes and allowed them to open into ‘squints’. For a moment there was quiet. Then he became gradually re-aware of the commotion behind him. There were voices yelling angrily -two were much louder than the others and seemed to be in direct communication with each other, voluminously and aggressively. The twin logos thundered back and forth and over top of each other. Within the interminably long half a second of regaining clarity, Joe noticed that at times the voices were more clear and sometimes less clear -muffled as if by exertion.
There were other voices too -probably 2- but in that instant Joe couldn’t be sure because they blended together into a consistent, supplementary whine of pathetic indignance. Still, even in that brief instant of recovering from near-semi-consciousness, Joe was certain that these were the voices of enemies.

Alertness fully restored by the sound of bells ringing internally, Joe pressed up off the ground with his hands, only slightly fumbling the attempt to hop right to his feet from a prone position. Steadying himself for only the briefest of moments and satisfied that his motor function was at least commensurate with his technically functional mental clarity, Joe whirled around with what he reckoned to be a sufficient amount of coordination and aggression to convince any adversaries present and watching that he was still a force to be reckoned with.

Casting eyes on the situation that he had been cast from like a chick being pushed from a domestically-abusive nest by sociopathic cuckoos, Joe quickly confirmed that which he’d never actually forgot; He and Elijah were in a scrape with the bar owner and two of his employees.

“I DON”T GIVE A FUCK WHERE YOU”RE FROM! YOU DON”T SAY THOSE WORDS IN MY PLACE!” screamed the bartender, grappling with Elijah, his hands hooked around the shoulder straps of Elijah’s patrol rig.

“DON’T PRESUME YOU CAN”T ‘GET GOT’ FOR SPEAKING TO YOUR BETTERS IN SUCH A MANNER!” Elijah responded, indignant and surprised that this ‘peasant’ would imply ending his life.

The two employees, who were feebly trying to wrest Elijah’s hands from the bartender’s blazer (seemingly unaware that their boss was still very much holding onto their quarry), looked at each other shocked at Elijah’s words (and then at their boss) before giggling nervously.

For his part, the bartender froze, eyes widening into an incredulous stare. The stare intensified and the faintest glimmer of a condescending smirk began to appear near-imperceptibly at the corner of his mouth

“My betters?… Are you fucking joking me, old man? Elijah looked at him for several seconds and then wearily began to feel admonished. Respect-lacking assholes like this barkeep used to never have the audacity to vent their resentments to such as him. For years and years after the beginning of the armistice, Elijah and his buddies would have gone to dumps like this and been treated like royalty.

But that was just it, he didn’t have buddies anymore -not really; every other contemporary of his he knew of -survivors of ‘the Rad-lands’, had raptured.  Any damn fool who hadn’t was dead. Except him.

Your ‘great war’ was a long time ago,” the barkeep continued, tauntingly, menacingly. You had a chance to go up in the world, so WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?!”

Elijah’s eyes widened in anger, and his indignance remembered, he screamed at the barkeep, “You SONOVABITCH! I MADE my chance!”

With his exclamation, Elijah threw his left hand from the barkeep’s chest, out laterally in the direction of the approaching Joe, and bent at the elbow to reach to the back of his belt, where he carried a concealable -though still needlessly large- combat knife. 

Fuuuuuck…. here we go again…” thought Elijah as he lunged in the direction of the fray, reaching around behind Elijah to grab and stay his forearm, and placing himself between the two quarrelling men. At his return to thick of things, the two employees of the barkeep (who had been the ones to bum-rush Joe pout onto his face in the first place) turned some of their attention toward him but remained mostly devoted to holding back the much larger (and seemingly more unreasonable…also drunker) Elijah. 

The stalemated human knot lingered in stasis for an instant and Elijah allowed Joe to pull his knife-less hand back out to his side just under the notice of the three adversaries, who were none-the-wiser about nearly needing to increase their weekly dry-cleaning budget. Satisfied for the moment that the situation was effectively de-escalated, Joe slowly turned about to face the barkeep. 

“Senor Gravacci.” he intoned with deliberate respectfulness. “I apologize the this misunderstanding…” the barkeeps eye’s narrowed but before he could protest this appraisal, Joe continued: “…that we caused. I pray you: allow us to leave. My man is unwell, but has not not had an outburst in some time. If you allow us to leave I swear we won’t return.”

Gravacci looked from Joe to Eli and back to Joe.

“You know if I kill him he wont come back either…” As Gravacci said this he pulled a stiletto dagger with a mother of pearl handle out of a forearm sheath hidden under his sleeve.

“Sir!” Joe continued, his calm tinged with urgency, “Death comes at every moment…”

At this utterance, one of Gravacci’s flunkies nodded in assent unconsciously. Joe Continued:

I just saved the life of at least one of us here. I pray thee to give me the benefit of the doubt, and assume it was you or one of yours.

At this point, Elijah and Gravacci, locked in a tense stare-down, both allowed their eyes to move in the direction of the Joe. Their faces stayed tense, teeth clenched in alert malice. Gravacci, with a view of Joe’s anterior aspect let his gaze fall from the boy’s eyes, down past his chin and to his neck. There, just barely peeking above the top button of a collared floral shirt, Gravacci could see the top of a tattoo; cursive script. Slowly he moved his dagger, pointed over Joe’s left shoulder at the face of Elijah down in front of Joe’s face, dragging the tip across his left cheek. Joe didn’t flinch, and after resting the dagger a moment near the corner of Joe’s mouth, Gravacci brought it slowly and deliberately down to his neck, and brought the length of the blade laterally across his throat.

Joe was aware of the precariousness of his position but he wasn’t afraid. Gravacci pulled the top of his collar down with the blade revealing the word truth tattooed across Joe’s neck. 

“I don’t like speakers in my bar. They’re trouble. I don’t deal in spells; I deal in potions.”

” I don’t deal in spells either, sir.” Joe responded.

“You better fuckin’ not; not anywhere around here, because next time, I won’t give a shit what God it offends…”

Joe steeled himself to maintain equanimity during the imminent blaspheme.

 “…I’ll kill you … both.” 

Gravacci watched Joe’s face as he said the words slowly and even his perceptive eye didn’t catch anything approximating a flinch. Satisfied, he quickly FLICKED the blade away from Joe’s throat, prompting Elijah to resume gazing at him, and popped it back into his sleeve with an elegant flourish. His left hand released Elijah’s shoulder-strap.

“You two are free to go.” Gravacci said with a sweet, ambiguous familiarity. 

Joe maintained his gaze at Gravacci and spoke: “Eli. Take your hands from Senor Gravacci.” Eli complied and Gravacci looked to his men. They abruptly shoved Eli and Joe out into the alley, causing them both to stumble, but neither fell. 

Gravacci moved between his two flunkies who stood at something approximating goombah attention, and took up an imperious and regal posture. He spoke:

“Good sirs! I thank you for your patronage this evening. Until there is not, there is always tomorrow.” As he spoke, Gravacci took a an exaggerated bow, and Joe, who had quickly recovered after being ‘rushed’ once more into the alley, had also taken up a regal posture and returned his bow, except Joe’s bow was deeper. He replied to Gravacci:

“The Gods and your ancestors doubtless smile upon the hospitality you have shown two weary travelers, this eve.”

At this, Gravaccinodded, whirled about and re-entered the bar followed by his jabronis. Elijah, who had recovered from the shove and turned his body away from the assembled three adversaries to face down the alley, looked at the closing door they had just passed through and spit. Joe whirled on him. 

“Don’t!” he commanded.

Elijah scowled. “Now you presume to command me? YOU are not my better!”

“No…” Joe responded, stepping more into Elijah’s personal space and piercing his soul a gaze whose intensity belied his youthfulness. “…but I will be.”

He gazed at the arrogant, foolish, troubled old warrior for a few moments longer, and Eli, for his part, looked down.At this, Joe began to slowly turn his body away but kept his eyes stuck to his companion. As he began to walk down the alley away from the scene of the conflict he gradually pulled his gaze forward, and when he did so Eli let out s sigh.

Joe neared the end of the alley and turned right. Elijah watched him disappear and contemplated going a separate way for a moment before continuing after him.

THE END

 

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I’m Never Gonna Treat You Like I Should

“You know that I’m no good/
I’m never gonna treat you like I should…
…I’m  a part-time lover.”

Friends,

Em is upstairs in my bed. I am in the living room on the couch. Neither of us could sleep. I would be lying if I said that my insomnia wasn’t partly due to her presence in my bed, but I could also blame the late afternoon coffees I had and of course all of the thoughts swirling around in my head.

The main thought swirling around in the mental morass right now is that I need to be away from my family. All of them. There’s noone I want to see right now. It’s not about them being bad, but rather that I feel bad around them. I feel inadequate, and when I’m around them all the ways I have been deficient as a member of the family are thrown in sharp relief.

Of course I recognize the flawed logic: I have been gone and so to make it better I will stay gone? –That hardly makes sense, right? Well no, not if I want to make things better with them. That’s a big ‘if’ though. I want to make things better for me.

I am so anchored by this feeling of owing something to my family. I am consciously aware of it on some level with my grandparents and ancestors, and the last few years I have been putting undue pressure on myself to have a family. Still in the last few months since my failed engagement and year in Germany which were followed by decompression in Latin America and a few other adventures, I feel like I need to prove something to my more immediate family; father, step-father and siblings. These feelings don’t serve me and I find myself full of insecurities when I’m around them. I don’t wanna feel that way anymore. I get resentful even when my sister messages me saying she is with my grandparents and asking if I can come out. She wanted to put me in touch with a second cousin whom I haven’t seen in years today and I said ‘yes’ but I was inwardly annoyed.

I had it out with my brother today. Lately every time I see him its a problem. Every time I go to his house I feel I am walking on eggshells. I don’t want to feel that anymore. En route back home after parting ways with him I was angry and resolute not to be put in that situation again. And that anger brings me to Em -hopefully now sleeping soundly now that the noise of my thoughts is away from her.

I messaged Em on the bus back home alluding to her recently-single status and in short order made it clear that I was looking to fuck. There has been some flirting and attraction since we met a few weeks back, but she had a boyfriend and I wasn’t trying to bring any drama into my life. On a more fundamental level, I know how much power I have both to hurt people emotionally and to get love-distracted from my own aspirations, and so I am very careful, cautious and even afraid to get involved with someone. However, in my state of indignant anger after having it out with my brother I wasn’t trying to be careful, cautious or fearful -I wanted to fuck.

Long story short, Em eventually did come over but she had to finish work and in the 4.5 hours that elapsed from when I first messaged her, my righteous indignation boner had mostly subsided. Plus, she had her own shit going on which wasn’t really conducive to the fuck-making I had been quite clear about wanting to do –ladies, y u do dis? We frolicked a little and sex could have happened if I had taken one of several opportunities to kiss her, but I didn’t/don’t want to kiss her. I wanted to fuck, nothing intimate. So we ended up just hanging out from like 6:30 onward and it wasn’t unpleasant but all I could think about was the work I wasn’t getting done.

I’m annoyed at her for taking up my time….and my bed, but I’m more annoyed at myself for letting it happen. I should know better than to think that I can be nice to a girl and a pleasure to be around and that she will, as a result, do anything less than take up more of my time.

I’m annoyed with my brother. Annoyed because I unquestioningly took the weekend to help him move some furniture because he has a bad back while he gave me a hard time about giving me a ride to a bus station when he knows I don’t have a vehicle and that to drive anywhere from his middle of nowhere country home is a mission. But again, I am more annoyed with myself for allowing him the opportunity to have power over me.

My family is like women in that both are time-pits. They are to time what cars are to money. I need to be hustling, grinding and saving my time and that means not only not spending time with them, but not spending time thinking about them.

Time to be ruthless 😐

Best,
-Dre

 

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