I am restless. I am back in Canada. I want to be on the road again. I will stay until Canada Day at least. I have an obligation that I mustn’t miss. That’s just over a month. Not enough time to put down roots. Not enough to really even rekindle friendships that have been stretched by distance and time apart.
I’m scared. Everyone is getting older. I’m not all I could be. I want to be around for them but it doesn’t seem worth it. Not while there is still so much doing and improving to be undertaken. People I have fallen out of touch with, even the people whom I love most in the world, have just sort of faded into the background of my life. Into a grey. They, and their problems, and their stories.
I’ve learned I can live without some people. I’ve learned I have to live apart from others. The ‘people’ I can’t live without? I haven’t met that person yet. But I’m open to it.
I’m alone, but…
I’m hopeful. I have faith in the righteousness of my path. I have faith in the example I am/can be for others. I have faith because I have broken faith before and tried to fit in a life that wasn’t mine, and I know where tat road leads. I have faith in heaven because I have experienced hell.
It was comfortable. It was safe. It was perfect. It wasn’t for me.
I’m faced with that choice again: The choice to stay in the warm suffocating embrace and accept, what is to me, mediocrity, or to double down and keep this momentum going.
I have to keep it going. To stake my life on it and make the ultimate commitment to….
I don’t have a word for it, yet. But every day, the picture gets a little clearer.