Crossing ‘a’ Rubicon


I’ve always had some hang-ups about sex. I’m now seeking to break those hang-ups and become a fully realized sexual being.

For years, whether single, in a relationship, or other, I would look through craigslist’s now defunct personals section and fantasize about all manner of sleazy, dirty, “shameful’ encounters I could have with strangers. I never had the gumption to pull the trigger on such encounters though and fantasies they remained.

I have been mistrustful of women in my time (thanks, Mom) and have gravitated to long-term relationships where there was a power/experience/maturity differential in my favour. I wasn’t a bad boyfriend per se, but I certainly wasn’t all that I could be because I wasn’t being challenged. I stayed with women who, though lovely, were too afraid to lose me to really take me to task. (Except one, and I fucked that one up big time XD).

I’ve been reading a lot more since getting an Audible subscription a few months back and the books I have been reading have been giving me greater perspective into my own challenges and the ways in which I might transcend my current plateaus. I’m not just talking about sex here either -but of course it connects to everything and I am of the view that no malady, limitation, or impingement exists in isolation:

Reading Blanton’s “Radical Honesty” I saw clearly how my own self-repression and moralizing was crippling my spirit. Reading Sarno’s “Understanding Back Pain”, I saw that the limitation in my shoulder and associated soreness might have less to do with anything mechanical, but rather be a means by which my psyche distracts me from emotional trauma and memories that are unpleasant. I recently finished Amanda Palmer’s “The Art of Asking” and it inspired me to be more bold and unafraid about asking for the things I want and committing to the life I have chosen for myself.

However, it was yesterday, having just started reading Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” that I crossed the eponymous “Rubicon” of this post’s title: About two weeks ago, having returned to Canada I set up a profile on a singles website and in the last few days I have approached by someone trying to ‘orchestrate’ a threesome. Long story short, we exchanged nude photos.

Sending full-frontal naked photos of myself is an unprecedented first for me. I was really reluctant because I still am in the process of accepting who I am and what I’m about, and irrational fears about someone using such photos against me in the future abound in my brain. But reading (listening) to Manson’s book as I mulled the question over in my brain spurred me to say, “fuck it!” I know who I am and what I’m about and this could be an amazing opportunity to explore my sexuality -or at the very least grow my courage. The people I admire most have no compunctions about their naked bodies and I should endeavour to be one of the people I admire most.

24 hours later. Still no blackmail.

I have built a life as something of a professional traveler. I have gotten by on the kindness of strangers and trusted people to come through for me.

Why should things be any different in my sex life?

God bless!

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