I’m in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua. It’s pretty fun here and there is a really supportive community of expats who have made me feel right at home. I suppose I can take some of the credit for my quick acceptance: Aside from their general warmth and the solid vouch from Bobby -a respected member of the business community (which is fucking hilarious when I think of the dumb shit me and him would get into back in the day)- this isn’t exactly my first at bat, and a lot of the things I did in Utila and even before then during previous forays into other parts of Nicaragua, will be continued here.
But more smarter (sic.). I don’t wanna be in the haze I was in from dope and booze back then. I was effective in those times but not as effective as I could have been. Often I woke up hungover and it was like I was applying an invisible tax on myself. And while I was an incredibly high-functioning stoner (adjusted for Caribbean island standards) I think I can do better in a poco verde mundo. In fact, I know I can.
My time in Berlin over the last year has been very instructive and it really matured me as a man -at least in part by tubbing my nose in the utter bile of my own inadequacy as a man. It’s a very sobering thing, that, and I really had to surrender to limitations of mine that I was blind to, wilfully or ignorantly.
But a funny thing happened: Seeing how weak and undeveloped I was, (and not deluding myself about it) actually made me stronger because I realized the absolute necessity of drawing boundaries and saying no in a timely, respectful and resolute fashion. I saw that while I may be afraid to make and hold eye contact, I am even more afraid of being isolated and taken advantage of by those who might read my aversion as weakness (and they wouldn’t be wrong!) I also saw the pathway I could head down, easily and with no insignificant measure of enjoyment either, if I didn’t manage my excesses and it scared the shit out of me.
There is a great monologue about Monopoly at the beginning of the film Zeitgeist: Moving Forward, and one line at the end of it always stuck with me: “How far do you have to go down that road before you see where it leads?”
Far enough I suppose.
But here I am now, once again in a place where I could get into a lot of trouble. I’m not scared -I know what I have to lose. I’m not second-guessing myself because this time I have no fall-back. This is it. No more overtures and furtive fumbling in the backseat of dad’s car.
I came to fuck (figuratively speaking of course)
I am encouraged because everything I have done over the past twelve years has culminated into this point and I am incredibly well-prepared and positioned to capitalize on the situation here.
And that’s just the now. There are such amazing, such wonderful things on the horizon that this righteous path is moving me toward, and I need only stand up and reach for them.
“…to make this life free and beautiful.
To make this life a wonderful adventure!”
All the things (sic.) can be mine if I just have the courage to take them. I’ve been lacking in courage for some time, and there have been good reasons for that, but knowing what I know now I no longer have any excuse for acting how I acted then. I see how my long-term health, how my very ability to stand upright in my remaining years is all contingent upon this moment.
We… I… have been called for such a time as this. Let us not lack in courage. Let us not allow our compassion to move us into a path we will ultimately regret. Let us not pursue vain things which bear no fruit and which leave our sense of worth vested in the opinions of others. Let us acknowledge that that thing which scares us most is also that thing which sets us on fire and redeems all the suffering which goes along with pursuing it.
“Find what you love and let it kill you.” -Bukowski
#prettycorpseblues (until I think of something better…or until I’m allowed to talk about the better thing)