Identity Crisis

My Friends,
   While riding the Go Train I often read the free daily transit newspaper, Metro.  In an attempt to appeal to the young professionals and aspiring professionals who are likely to be riding the train, the newspaper typically has an employment section which gives pointers on resumes, interviews and professional decorum.  Quite frequently there are articles which deal with an individual’s online persona, and the likelihood of potential employers checking sites like Facebook and Twitter to see what kind of clown they are considering hiring.  This is really nothing new and it is actually job-hunting which prompted me to adopt the surname “Guantanamo” back in 2009.
   But now it seems like potential employers are taking it a step further than simple reconnaissance; it is now not unheard of to have applicants log in to their social networking accounts during the interview so that the interviewer can have a look.  Now if you have already admitted you have Facebook and they ask to do this, they get to have a glimpse at your profile which they would not get with a simple Google search, provided you have your privacy settings set high.  And if you maintain that you don’t have Facebook, they will either think you are weird or lying; everyone has it after all.
   Still the most troubling thing I read was that a man in Baltimore was actually required to surrender all of his Facebook login information (password included) during a re-interview (he was returning from a leave of absence).  Needing the job, he obliged, but (like many things) I found this really irked me.  What job-needing applicant would/could refuse this request?  And although its an invasive and presumptuous practice I don’t know that the employer can be legally reprimanded for this.  I doubt it.
   These days I find there are many grey instances like this one where justice is hard to come by.  The legal route is often tedious, complicated and blurry.  As well, knowing what your rights are still may not net you the job.  This is therefore one of the many situations where society forces us to lie … for brevity’s sake of course.  And lie I shall.
   Now obviously I have taken the right road thus far by changing my last name on Facebook and such, but a cursory googling of my actual name (i.e. the one on resumes) leads to my Google account … which is linked to this blog … which is a forum for me to spit that harsh truth which potential employers and my girlfriend’s parents may find unpalatable.  So I must adopt fully this alias Guantanamo while also  distinctly and separately developing my real*** identity online.  Never the two shall mix.
   Now I have heard that having a fake online profile can be considered fraud.  And if fraud is indeed a crime (it is),  I owe it to myself to at least be an artful criminal.  That way if they ever make a movie profiling my criminal exploits the audience will be compelled to cheer for me instead of the cops.

   I will make a troll profile.  Rather, a most glorious troll profile.  For those not in the know, a troll profile, usually a fake Facebook account is used by Anonymous to be mean, raid funeral pages, and flame whatever threads they can.  It has no connection to the actual person whatsoever, and it therefore allows them to troll with impunity.  They put on their disguise and as far as the world internet is concerned they are an entirely different person.  It is akin to how Bruce Wayne puts on his Cape and Cowl when he conspires to combat criminals as Batman.
A little too ‘on the nose’ … but I get points for alliteration.

   But if you have ever suffered through Kill Bill Vol. 2, you might remember a speech that a pre-belt-around-the-neck David Carradine made:
   Essentially, Andre Guantanamo is Superman.  Or at least, its a real representation of my thoughts, concerns, pasions, etc…  But to fit in in this world (or to outsmart nosey employers) I have to make an online profile (Facebook, email, Twitter, blog) which is a little more Clark Kent, or at least in line with people’s expectations of a man in his late 20s.  
   ***Therefore, the profile bearing my real name will not only be a troll profile, but an attempt to pander to the world’s expectations.  It will contain pics of me in only nice clothes making Zoolander faces.  
Fuck it, I’ll just use this picture.
The “about me” section will be filled with power quotes from moguls and entrepreneurs, with a token literary quotation to show I am well-read.  Under favourite books, you will find The Art of War, The 48 Laws of Power, and of course Atlas Shrugged.  Overall, I want to look and smell like a preening douche who thinks the accumulation of wealth is the highest virtue.  This will be my great commentary about how I view the state of the world.  And should some future employer want to peruse my Facebook account come interview time, I will have a pre-approved (fuck)face to show him.
   Work on this new identity will commence soontimes.
Stay Thirsty,
-Andre Guantanamo

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