The Hit or Miss Nature of Aphrodisiacs

My Friends,
   Today, whilst at the coffee dispensary I frequent, I overheard the barista and baristo debating the merits of facial hair … and body hair in general.  Nosey eavesdropper that I am, I questioned them about the final verdict while they made my espresso.  The gentleman said that he had had good luck with the ladies with a few days’ stubble, and I conceded that my woman has also expressed her preference for this degree of unkemptness (sic) on numerous occasions.  The female however, expressed her preference for a man with a thick beard, long hair, hairy chest, manly smell, and even raised by wolves if possible.  She went on to lament that men these days were just far too pretty, (I apologized for this) and that women her age (mid-30s) appreciated manliness.
   Now I don’t even want to touch the issue of hairiness constituting manliness, but I have noticed that facial hair, and body hair by association, have a love-hate relationship with women, and vice-versa.  And typically I find that it is older women who prefer au naturel while their younger counterparts prefer a body that bespeaks perpetual adolescence (read: shaved balls).  While this cleave in opinion based on age group is interesting, it hints at a far more interesting issue: the general division of opinion on aphrodisiacs, irrespective of age, gender, etc…  Not all aphrodisiacs are created equally and I find it to be consistently true that their is rarely a middle-ground when it comes to turn-ons. (nobody is “meh” when it comes to vaginas; either you’re “dick-riding” vaginas or you’re riding some dick)  Same thing with copious amounts of body-hair, (stubble doesn’t count) it seems to be a love or hate thing.  I can’t help but feel that a woman who likes her man with body hair to the RobinWilliams-th degree, has some latent feelings of zoophilia she has not dealt with.

Catherine the Great: One of the lulzier historical deaths … allegedly

But then, you could also make similarly creepy inferences about those men and women who like their partners all but hairless … still talking about zoophiles.
Hairless pussy: not just for latent pedophiles anymore

So, really its a moot point: any preference for body hair, lack thereof or pretty much anything, can be taken to its logical extreme and be shown as symptomatic of perversion.  However, I would suggest that their are no sickos with perversions; only human beings with their all-too-human tendencies.  But I digress.
   In regards to the hit or miss nature of most aphrodisiacs, I think the simplest way to illustrate the point is to just list a few widely perceived “turn-ons” that, in my experience, have a like number of detractors as proponents.
Avocadoes: These are a tough one because most people I know don’t eat them for prowess in the bedroom.  However, the soft, fleshy texture apparently necessitated the locking up of virgins in Meso-America during the harvest several hundred years back.  I love them personally, but many people don’t like the texture or flavour, so a viable aphrodisiac they are not.
Oysters: Similar to the avocado, the oyster has a rep for causing a hankering in the loins.  But some people have no use for them and their slimy texture despite the potential benefits in the boudoir, leading me to believe that perhaps the legends are somewhat overstated.  I would say that they have provided more botulism that boners.
Thongs on Men: Most girls I have spoken with say that its weird, however I don’t think a single one of them would pass up a chance to see a man with a decent physique in one.  In general, more skin shown while still being technically covered is a turn-on, so I would say that in spite of their protestations to the contrary, thongs on men are a hit with women.  If not, why are they so popular with Chippendale?
Not this Chip & Dale; they prefer full nudity to better facilitate playing with their nuts.  LOL, like testicles, ya know?

Piercings: Another obvious love it or hate it.  Certain places that are pierced have become so normalized as to become relatively vanilla i.e. ears, tongue, eyebrow, and even nipples … so they don’t count.  I’m talking the piercings that make you wonder how the pierced (or piercee) functions in day-to-day life with the presence of such invasive metal intrusions.  For example, during one of my many forays into the internet I came across some fetish pornography (who woulda thought? on the internet of all places…) of girls with excessively pierced everything (particularly labia majora).  Now I’m not sure if my initial shock was a result of their bedazzled ladyparts or what they were doing with their fists (hint: they weren’t giving each other props) but I was repulsed … until it got right to me.  However, a few minutes (and one sock) later it got wrong to me again and I closed the window quick-fast.  But overall I’d say piercings = win, although many would disagree.
Tattoos: I would say win, unless they are just dumb-looking.
Like my first tattoo for example.  Was supposed to look a little less like shit…

…and a little more like this

In most cases they serve to accent and complement what is already there, and when skillfully, and more importantly tastefully done, they can be quite pleasant to look at while crushin P. (that means sex)  But, extreme tattoos, like sleeves and such, don’t seem to be a uniform turn-on across the board.  I would say there’s a right way and wrong way to do extensive tattooing if you want sex-appeal.
Right Way

Wrong Way

Honestly, guys and girls alike: who would you rather roll around nakey with?  I thought so.
   Well, I know this has turned into more of a personal evaluation of different things regarded as turn-ons than a discourse on the inherent qualities of aphrodisiacs in general.  But if I have provoked some thought or dialogue, or even a elicited a smile, I will have exceeded my aim.  
Stay Thirsty
-Andre Guantanamo

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